“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.