I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
You Might Also Like
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this