If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys