Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
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21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.