[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
how high up are we talkin’?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”