Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.