Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
There’s only one good girl here!
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
when dads have a rap battle
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”