GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.