A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.