My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic