“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa