HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
You Might Also Like
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.