Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
girls literally only want one thing..
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?