Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
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You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Sounds like a bargain
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Go girl power!
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.