Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Knock Knock
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.