hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
You Might Also Like
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.