Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.