You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
No Google it does not
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.