Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.