Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
こいつ天才
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”