This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 馃檨
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I never understood how the little drummer boy鈥檚 parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If this doesn鈥檛 sum up England nothing will 馃槀馃槀 #snow #weather #uk
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I honestly don鈥檛 know what my family would do without me.
I鈥檓 the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler鈥檚 favorite song on YouTube.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 馃摑馃槶
cats when you pet them too long:
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they鈥檒l lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I know it sounds mean but when I鈥檓 mad at my wife and want to lash out, I鈥檒l put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I鈥檓 emptying the dishwasher.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little