It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
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A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I think the cat got the dog high.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.