Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
When you’ve simply given up.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
an airline just for babies.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.