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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?