I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.