Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I’m awake but I object,
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!