broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo