Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers