You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
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me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
based al yankovic
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas