*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I’m not alone. I have ants.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn