Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game