I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for