Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.