“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
When you’re here for the treats.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment