Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
You Might Also Like
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]