Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?