Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant