If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
no!! no!!!!!!
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to