no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
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[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)