The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
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[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.