Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Sorry not sorry.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me