I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face