They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
SCARY COSTUME
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts