My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
But is it really??
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.