I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
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I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Spider-cat: No One Home
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.