I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
don’t we all
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f