Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
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hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.