The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
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Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Follow me for more life hacks.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Teach your children to beatbox
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
🙂🐾
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.