Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
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Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Love this one 😂🧟
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min