Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I need to get some bricks…
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Time heals everything 🙂
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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